1. It all started when I got a job at Westmead and was very close with one colleague who was my own manager, until one day I was promoted and she was asked to leave her office by the other executive management and I was asked to fill in her office. to cut it short, I was replacing her role. Since then, things between us were falling apart. She back stabbed me with various evil intentions, very malicious. I remember sitting alone during my lunch break and when I said 'hi how U goin?" she just blatantly ignored me and quite apparent some others did the same to me. I was only on the job for less than 1 year. Literally 10-11 months when I was promoted n replaced her role. She's been on the job for more than 8 years and been in that position for 2 years. Consequently, she drew more people on her side. I couldn't stand the pressure so I left the job and moved on. I went to Parramatta, my pay was lower than when I was at Westmead then I had another offer in Parramatta with the same grading and similar pay like in Westmead but its only a contract terms for 3 months so its unstable.

2. I normally hang out with these bunch of "girl friends" right?! we met up regularly for "Karaoke" or just "eat out". I would pick up the girls or they picked me up. Vice versa. We had fun and we went for adventure (we went for Kayaking in Wollongong or somewhere I can't remember.), went for caving - guys, you should try this as its very mind boggling. Its at Jenolan cave and it wasn't a normal walk normal poofy caving. I'm tellin ya. This is "Real" stuff. No ropes, hence they provided U with your mining suits and of course the headlight. This was back in 2011.

One of the girls went through a tough time, she separated with her hubby and left to Jakarta. Cut it short again (Sorry I know its pretty long by now), she seems to be going for divorce and there was a "misunderstanding" - I swear only God knows. I was always there for her to make her happy. In fact when she set up this wedding organizer business, I actually volunteered a few times work for free just to get more customers for her.

Yeup, I lost those bunch of girl friends too.

3. At home, things weren't great either. So one day, out of boredom, I downloaded this MIRC chat (while I was downloading them), the thoughts that went to my head was "I just wish to talk with some people and vanquished my anxiety". I developed this anxiety disorders. I downloaded MIRC becoz that was the only chat site I knew (Back when I was still in Jakarta).

Things were great at first, bear in mind in the past I never been so active in front of the computer like this for hours and hours. I've always been very active and busy doing other things at work and home but " real people" left and I was lonely.

Until one day I met this young boy, he's younger than me but I knew he was a "dick player". At first it was just interesting to read all his "past incidents" and he has a GF. I remember I was shocked when he told me he 3 timed girls at the same time. One in Brisby, One from Java and One from Jakarta.
To be honest, I never knew anyone like this before but becoz his story was interesting and it was fun and exciting becoz "its unique and different - its not mundane. In fact, it was thrilling to read his story".

We got very close and exchanged photos and "the spaded" started and I remember I had no feeling at all in fact, "no one in their right mind" would like a Jerk. so I thought, "lets play it up just for sensation - I promise myself there's a start but there's always an end so long we never meet up each other, there shouldn't be any feelings. It would just be a simple game, I hv self control". The agreement was "he has his GF and I have mine too". This is just an innocent sensation. (I NEVER experience things like this before).

Over time, things got sticky so I decided to keep distant and pulled it. I wasn't doing "pull and push" to get him stick to me, I was in fact tried to do the opposite way. I tried to pull before I regret it to get away becoz I know its not right. I remember I would find "things" to get myself upset by asking him "numerous questions" to remind myself "See, how jerk he is. See how dumb ass he is, See how rude and blunt he is, nasty jerk-ass".

I remember I would get mad or tried to get him mad at me. I remember I lied few things just to piss him off. I even went as far as telling him 'how psycho I am that I kick, punch etc to stir him off'. I actually "hated" him so much becoz we would constantly argued about "everything under the sun" and becoz he's so "Bloody rude". Unlike a clean gentleman (how a man should represent himself). He's so raggy, messy. He would just called me "stupid" etc (all kinds of insults flew out like a machine guns).

Cut it short (though its a long one), we would have on and off (1 week without contact, 2 weeks, 3 weeks or 1 month). I was the one who always did the runner at first but when he went away, I would miss him too. We had a very short "lovey dovey" but NEVER MET UP and I didn't want to meet him anyway becoz as I said 'he's a player' so its NO WAY!!! as it would be hurtful.

Now this is the "Weird" part, it happened nearly 10 times I think. When I think of him, he would suddenly SMS me (As if he could read my mind). I questioned this to my sister and she said 'did U get a Pelet?"
It was odd becoz when I think of him he would suddenly contacted me through whatsapp or SMS. Then we finally decided to be 'friend' but even to be friend, we still constantly argued.
Its periodic mad (1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks no contact then we in touch again). I changed my mobile number but then I would miss him (although I don't understand why would I miss him for becoz he upsets me more than anyone I've ever known). Then I contacted him through whatsapp again. Then we're in touch again. When we decided to disappear, it would be swapping role (who's contacting who first).

4th. My dad been very sick lately. His heart condition clogged, it got worse, he was a heavy smokers prior to all this and he only has 28% heart capacity He's thinking to have Bypass surgery but he's aware that my grand-dad (Kung Kung), passed away due to Bypass surgery. So he's been saying "rings" could help his heart. I don't know medical terms but I managed to googled and rings would last for about 5 years. At the end of the day I always believe only God knows people's life. I love him dearly

5th. My mum seems mentally not well at home. Thus, I rarely speaks to her these days. I went back to Jakarta last year and she wasn't well. She had this "stress" look on her face. She would scream and then got better like a little kid, laughed and then upset about something then screamed again. She still normal but at night she would complained and then told me that she's stress out.

6th. With all these things "wrapped" my mind, I find it hard to sleep and I thought "maybe I should try to make myself busy again. I would help my parents but because my permanent life is here (My career), my sister is here too. I can only visit them 1x a year. I would send them some money, bought vitamins for them and ring them up.

Anyway, I decided to "study" but even "study" doesn't sit right. I get easily distracted and still has this "anxiety" that I wish to get rid off! somehow.
Also I wish to forget the jerk and stop missing him. I'm planning to change my number again for good this time. I have enough and its good that we never meet up each other anyway. Hopefully the 'missing feely touchy feeling' will go away as time heals. The study that I'm doing now is actually adding my anxiety instead of relinquish it.